(week14) Peer review 오도윤`s 20712

5 points

• Technically perfect

• Follows the classical argument

• Displays an interesting and unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

• Thought provoking and captivating

• Clearly the product of extensive drafting and research

4 points

• Technically perfect

• Follows the classical argument

• Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

• Clearly the product of thorough drafting and research

3 points

• Follows the classical argument

• Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

• Some evidence of drafting and research

2 points

• Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

0 points

• Incomplete or inadequate

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

I`ll give 3 points. 작성하신 글은 주제와는 부합하는 내용이었지만 글쓴이께서 원하셨던 내용인 'I really want to spread the effects of exercise and benefits of exercise. '라는 말과는 달리 전반적인 내용이 운동의 이익과 불이익(즉, 장단점 ) 모두를 언급하여 오히려 혼란을 주는것 같습니다. 원하시는 방향이 있는 만큼 운동의 영향에서도 긍정적인 측면을 주로 언급하는게 나을 것 같습니다. 부정적인 측면의 글을 굳이 많이 드러내지 않으면서도 충분히 내용전개가 가능할 것 같습니다.
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How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

앞서 말한바와 같이 내용의 치중성을 이익의 측면에 좀 더 두는게 나을 듯 싶습니다. 또한 'Doing exercise can play important acts. Also people can use the energy by doing exercise. In addition, Exercising prevents many diseases such as arthritis, and aging process. Therefore, Many people learn and do the exercise' 부분에서 너무 간다명료하게만 나타내어 조금 이해하기 힘든 부분도 있으므로 조금 더 부가 설명이 더해지면 나을 듯 싶습니다.
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Thesis
What is the thesis?
 I think that exercise affects on human mind. 부분인 것 같습니다.
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Is the thesis clear and debatable?
thesis 부분은 충분히 명료하지만 affects 라는 부분에 대해서 조금 자세한 설명이 있으면 좋겠습니다.
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If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
이 thesis에 대해서는 어느정도 동의합니다. 만약 단점에 대해 많은 언급을 하지 않을 경우에는 I think that exercising helps us the physical and mental ability. 가 더 적당할 것 같습니다.
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Any other thoughts?
no
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Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

어느 부분이 빠졌다기 보다는 전반적인 내용에 고루고루 적혀있어서 5개의 부분으로 딱 나누기에는 어려운 듯 합니다.
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Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
시작부분은 충분히 뒷 이야기를 이끌 수 있을 듯 합니다. 다만 초반부터 두가지 의견의 대립보다는 일방적인 부분을 언급하고 후에 refutation 쪽에서 다른측의 이야기도 꺼내는 것이 더 나을 듯 합니다.
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Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
어느정도의 정보 제공은 하지만 뒤에 나오는  hippocampus나 아니면 추가적인 배경이 조금은 더 있어야 할것 같습니다.
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Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
앞서 말한바와 같이 주장에 대한 부가설명이 조금 더 있으면 이해하는데 좋을 것 같습니다.
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Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
YES.
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Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?
YES.
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What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

앞에서 이미 제공하였습니다.
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Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

찬성 / 반대라고 나누기 보다는 운동이 제공하는 이점이 많다 라는 쪽에 찬성합니다.
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When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

앞의 내용과 동일
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If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

원래의 생각과 같아서 바뀌진 않았지만 전반적인 이점이 설득력있었음
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How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

앞의 내용과 동일
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Research
Is the author using research effectively?

YES.
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Is the research from appropriate sources?

YES.
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Are the sources obvious?

YES.
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Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

YES.
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Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

NO
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